why won’t you go

hearing: the cure – boy’s don’t cry | mood: frustrated

i stayed the over at billie’s the other night. “do you wanna go for a ride in the pt cruiser?”, and how could one refuse? so she picked me up after work in her white pt. it was awful outside – all raining. there were even tornado warnings. business at work was slow, but that didn’t keep me away from buying a new hat.

i never knew that a department store could stock such a wonderful item. i knew that they had hats, but i always thought they were crazy church lady hats. hark, i found one i liked. and after that, i found five dollars on the ground in the mall. i scooped it up and shoved in my purse, grinning from under the red brim. billie and i used the money to buy a pretzel and a lemonade to share. it was like an instant five dollar rebate.

after the mall, we went to her house. we sat around for a while, and i can’t remember what we talked about. the best conversations you just don’t remember later. we played video games for a while, and went on a video store hunt for mario kart for 64. we went to three places, unsuccessfully. i guess everyone else had the same idea as us. figures. so we rented that one game where you beat up the other players. it kinda sucked because we weren’t in the mood.

tank girl wears birkenstocks.

and has anyone else noticed snl has just gotten…bad? it’s not even funny anymore. some waify size 00 actress was hosting and the skits were just an excuse to show off her kindergarten sized body. that’s what sparked the discussion about women in the media and p0rnography. she told me about how she and her boyfriend nick went to the big (scummy) adult store in our area. they thought it would be funny, you know, like they could make fun and giggle about some of the things for sale.

they were wrong. upon entering, she said she couldn’t believe how they had the videos and magazines sorted, the pictures that were plastered on the walls, the different sections and the horrible things within. she told me it was awful, and instead of laughing at the merch with her boy, she vomited in the parking lot. i think that if i went in there, i’d get that feeling. you know, the one that makes your hands and feet really cold and your stomach flip around. you sweat, but you’re freezing. the vacant expressions on plastic bodies. i’d pretend like it was okay, but a tear would leak out and then the flood would come. i can just imagine myself walking out in a hurry and the door would hit me in my ass as i leave. call me a drama queen? no, i just care about myself and the culture i live in. the culture that’s dead and rotting, and there i would be, right in the middle of it all; the cause. and the people inside? the effect.

i wish i could just hide away forever from it all. i wish i didn’t know girls that look up to this. it makes me sick. and there’s nothing i can really do about it, it seems. all i can do is educate to cure the ignorance.

so matty left for texas on tuesday. he’s literally the only person i hang around at school – or wants to hang around me. let me tell you – it’s so very lonely. i like stephanie pretty well, too. but it’s not really the same. i love my best friend, and it’s like something more is missing when they’re not around. oh sure, he’ll be back sunday. i’ll probably just go christmas shopping this weekend and eat all the candy bars at jcpennys. candy always makes me feel better. and having my best friend back? that would help, too.

tomorrow, bright and early i’m driving to gainesville with my dad. how wholesome. he’s actually dragging me there because i’m not interested in the university of florida at all. it’s not an option for me. i probably didn’t even make it in, in fact. they have taken twice as long as the university of central florida (which i want to go to and got accepted) to mail me my rejection letter. i still haven’t received it. i’ll bring some “dad-approved” cd’s for the car, because my dad is very conservative. i wish i had sinatra’s greatest hits cds.

i’m going to look at their graphic design program. supposably it’s “really good (like everything else there….)”. but i don’t think gainesville is the place for me. i need diversity and a change of pace. i’m pretty sure orlando will swallow me up and spit me out, but i am willing to take that chance. i’ll probably hide in my protective emotional and social bubble, but who knows. i am living in this dream that i’ll have a tiny little apartment with framed pictures of fred astaire and greta. i’ll have a piano, small tv, and an impressive collection of dvd’s that i adore. i’ll have cookware and a stocked fridge and cupboard. i just want to keep to myself and enjoy the serenity. i’ll play my silly 20’s music and attempt to dance the charleston in my living room. i’ll stub my toe on my victorian fainting couch when i get up late to watch a movie. yes, it’s my dream.

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