*sniffle* i’m sick. i only get sick once a year about, and just in time for the hi-tops try out.

friday night matty came over to watch the movie of it so he could get an idea about who he wanted to try out for. i still think that if he does (and can), he’ll get louie, or the devil. his mom screamed at him though, and said she didn’t want him to be the devil blah blah, but yanno, someone’s gotta do it! the director told us on saturday that we needed at least sixteen people to put on the production. we have ten. i have about eight people i could ask. hopefully two or three will agree! evan said he wanted to be in it, so that’s one. but we’ll see what actually happens. eighties, here i come!

so i got a sick, scratchy throat the morning of the “audition”. i sounded like a frog and it was awful. i can sing… honestly! *sigh* there’s thursday to do it again. yeah.

i like my new western/victorian boots.

i have a high fever and i’m dying. but even on my deathbed i cleaned the house. figures. saturday i went shopping and i got a cream coloured ruffled dress, a pair of black pants with lace on them, a black slip dress, a beaded cameo necklace, and a sleeveless lace shirt.

halloween is coming up in a month and a bit. the thing is, i haven’t been invited to any parties (big surprise there) or anything. i don’t feel like sweating trick or treating this year really, not if i have a good costume. but then again, what’s the point of going all out with a costume if you have no one to admire it? i feel this year will be a hey, sit at home kind of halloween. meh, how sad.

the mall’s pet store has a fennec fox. a baby one. almost a year or so ago, matty drove me all the way to palm beach, three hours away, to look at the fennecs at the zoo. it was the most wonderful zoo visit ever, as the foxes were adorable! matty liked the bats. i read the paper a few months later after that, and learned that the local zoo will be adding a fennec fox exhibit. and now the local pet store has it! i got very defensive about the pet store fox. i’m afraid that if anyone buys it, they won’t know what the hell to do with it. they won’t know that it needs a lot of attention. they won’t know it likes celery and steak and mice and snakes. they won’t know they can dig under fences in no time flat.

so the thought of a fennec from the pet store smashed on SR 520 doesn’t make me feel very excited. the store was selling it for $1500. you can get them from breeders for $600-900. and then you know that they’re bred right and raised correctly. poor fennec from the store. he was rolling around the cage and spazzing like crazy. they make little noises. matty says they sound like me.

last night i went to algebra and took a quiz. feeling very under the weather, i left and drove out to matty’s. he wasn’t home, so i visited my old house. they put a new, gray roof on it. they’ve repainted the guest room white and they’re going to lay tile. they sodded the garden and the front walk. i tried to look for a flower or something to take with me, but i couldn’t find anything. only an overgrown driveway and repainted rooms.

fake friendships. even if you hate the person, fake them. otherwise you’ll pay the price. just smile and pretend everything is okay; nobody cares about who you really are inside anyways. you see, you find someone you think is popular or has neat friends or a spiffy boyfriend, and cling to them and evolve into them. dye your hair like theirs. wear clothing like theirs. listen to their music. and then when you make a new friend, do it all over again. vicious cycle? no, just vicious girls.

i feel like i’m a newscaster. or an interrogation officer. or a socially inept girl who can’t seem to make a friend and keep one. step one is difficult enough as it is. anyone in the cocoa area who isn’t in a clique? anyone can make a friend. i keep thinking of people, some awful; they have a friend or two. ones that actually want to say hello to them in the hallways. they call them to talk. they keep them company on a friday night. it’s been forever since i’ve had a girl friend like that. what’s so lurid about me that i can’t have any of those things? my own significant other says i’m too sad all the time. i don’t mean to be; i thought i was getting better. comments like those aren’t very motivating. and neither is noticing you’ve lost ten pounds.

college. will college be any better? will anyone want to befriend someone who talks hoards sometimes, then never at other times? i get so nervous when i meet new people. what if i don’t say enough? what if i say too much? what if there’s awkward silence? whatever happened to that thing your mom and teachers used to tell you? something like “be yourself! people will flock to you.” don’t get a kid’s hopes built up. it’s simply not true. i’d have at least three close friends if that was the case. at least.

Leave a Reply