hearing: rasputina – endomorph | mood: sleepy

an excerpt from my diary:

might i expound on my loathing for children? i do understand that i, once, was a child. i loved to go to the beach and swim, climb trees, and draw out on the driveway with colorful chalk. i made the prettiest and brightest murals, to be washed away by the weather. i made secret clubhouses in trees, where i would hid away books and crossword puzzles. i think they’re still wedged in there today. the funny thing was, even with all these wonderful things that i loved to do, i couldn’t say i was the nicest child. i liked all the wrong things at the wrong times. maybe my actual nature hasn’t changed at all. maybe the only thing that grew up, for me, was the physical aspect. my emotions are still very much like a child. i cry when things dong’ go right, when i’m angry, and when i’m happy. happiness from simple things.

i saw three fat pigeons looking at me skeptically. i don’t mind a pigeon friend, in fact, they’re the perfect little silent friends. they like to spend time looking around, or sleeping. they’re there when you need them, and they love to listen. they hang on your every word, especially when you have bread crumbs to share. you can talk about girly stuff like mae west big breast woes, and they understand. they are the most fool-proof advice givers: they give none.

maybe i’m like a pigeon. i’m actually scared of people, and hide away from them. of things being out of place or chaotic. i can’t communicate with people correctly. i may look dull on the outside or when you first meet me, but if you catch me just right, i can shine.

i’ve never taken much time and hidden it away for myself. i’ve forgotten nature because i’m rarely a part of it since i’ve moved. even in a serene setting, like the park, the busy whoosh of cars on the highway carries constantly. i wonder what true silence is like, and if they’re right about what they say, that it makes you go crazy and all. what about too much noise? cars, sirens, people talking, or just being, children. i wish i could just tell the world to be quiet; peaceful for one minute. then i would know what it’s like.

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