retarded

why am i such a screw up? i feel so worthless. i can’t ever do anything right. i can’t ever make anybody happy. i can count my friends on less than one hand. my own boyfriend isn’t even my friend. i can’t even make myself happy.

tonight me and matt went swing dancing at this place in melbourne. we had bad directions (acutally, i just memorized them wrong. score a point for the home team!), so it took us about an hour (instead of 30 minutes) to find the place. we went into the dance studio, paid our 5 bucks each, and danced…some. matt’s shoes hurt his feet, and i knew he wouldn’t want to dance and would be grouchy, but he wouldn’t change them. so he didn’t want to dance all that much. there were really good dancers there, and i wanted to practice certain moves we had learned. i don’t know what my problem was, but according to matt i got upset if we didn’t do the move right. i don’t think that was the case myself, but i got upset after he yelled at me to let him lead. whatever.

ya so it kinda sucked there because they didn’t just play swing music like they said they would, they played ’50s and salsa music too. go figure.

so we leave, after i asked matt to dance and while dancing he stares at the ceiling. i said something like “oh, right, let’s just stare at the wall.” and he said “fine” or something equally as cool. but i dunno, i ended up getting hurled into a turn with an extra angry push, and that’s when i knew it was very time to go. so we left and argued the whole way home. then parked and argued some more.

i’m sorry that i let him see me cry so often. he’s so used to it now. maybe it is all my fault, i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i don’t intentionally mean to get upset, or to make people mad, i just don’t know how to be perfect. i know i have some kind of problem, some kind of problem involving setting standards for people and paranoia. i couldn’t go to a shrink, though, my parents would be so suspicious…and i couldn’t be truthful with one anyhow. i feel so useless; i mean no one seems to care, my boyfriend and i never talk anymore. he was helping me, for a time, learn how to talk and share and express emotions. now i’m back to just bottling them up inside and crying; either in front of him or privately. it has been around 3 months since i’ve cried over anything relating to our relationship. but things have just been…so bad lately. yet i have no idea what to do.

i wish i could be happy again. just for a minute. i wish i had someone that would just hug me and never let go, and let me cry on them and not mind that i am ruining their shirt with my makeup. i wish i could say “i love you” without crying. i wish i could give kisses again. i wish i had a best friend again. i wish i could be happy with myself again.

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