nothingness

today i was still [shh!] to matty. but i told him (since he didn’t know…grr) what was the deal. he sooo did NOT take me seriously. nothing i say is. maybe that’s why i don’t have anything to say to him. maybe not. who knows.

tonight was awful. i was supposed to hang out with evan and go see “the time machine”. i set out to cocoa beach to pick him up, and i couldn’t find his apartment. so i got lost. and went to the movie…alone. does this sound familiar? was it not just last weekend that i spent a saturday night alone at the mall? at least the night saved by john.

so ya i went to the movie, alone. where’s my boyfriend? hmm…i’m seriously thinking what a lame excuse for someone who is supposed to love me. at school, in front of me, he tells me he will call me so we can do something, and i immediately think “this person is not going to anything with me this weekend. who can i make plans with tonight? and saturday?” and he disappears into oblivion the whole weekend. why do i have to deal with someone like this? i’m not unreliable, i don’t understand why i receive that treatment.

so after the movie, which was a fairly decent adaptation of the book, i remembered i wasn’t thinking when i parked my car. i had no idea where in the vast expanse of cars, where mine would be. so i wandered in a dimly lit parking lot in a dimly lit daze. i was so scared, but at the same time it felt good to cry outside, at night. no one could hear me.

i then went to barnes and noble. i didn’t see one book that i actually wanted to pick up and look at. i saw brook and her boyfriend there sharing one of those big cushy chairs; they were looking at home and gardens magazines. they were talking about big houses and pretty taken-care-of gardens in front of it. i was so jealous.

when i got home, evan im’d me and said “i hope you didn’t die. cuz that would suck.” yeah…i guess it would. i’m sorry i had to leave him at home. at least it was a good reason, not flakey like some friends i know. maybe i have been closed to the world outside of me. i’ve become so naive.

i want to leave merritt island. i can’t wait for college to start for me. i wish to move far away, maybe to california. it’s warm there. and it’s not florida.

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