hearing: stina nordenstam – little star | mood: ugh

i got my schedule for college classes next semester. instead of just one night class for three hours, i have two. and one of them goes until 10pm. buh, how much worse can that get? exams are this week as well. i have to get an 83 on my math one to pass the course and get credit for it. it always comes down to this in my math classes. in ninth grade, i had to get a 78 on the final to pass. always with the math.

so yeah, i have no money to actually pay for the car i got, whoops. insurance will be a nightmare, even though i’m an a student, have never gotten a ticket, and have taken driver’s ed. and i’m female. but no insurance breaks there. and gas is so expensive, my week’s earnings have to go to that. i’m selling stuff on ebay, but not enough to really make a difference.

yesterday, matty skipped his last two classes and we ran off to eat japanese food for lunch. he had talked to me about a birthday party this one girl he knew was having, and told me i could come. jay and chris knew her sort of, as well, so they were coming along, too. i got ready, and jay asked me online if i would stop by to show him and chris my new car. i went over there, and hung out for a little while. they really liked the car, and jay had a new car as well. it’s an 80-something caprice. it’s as big as a boat, and has much pimp-out potential. i liked it.

matty showed up to pick us up for the party about an hour later. we piled in jay’s boat car, and set sail to pick up their friend adam. we had to drive for forever to get to the stupid party, getting lost along the way in this very confusing neighborhood way out in egypt. meanwhile, chris had spit out his gum on the car seat and failed to tell me, so it got all over the seat of my jeans. i spent the rest of the car ride trying to scrape it off.

upon arriving at the party, i almost fell on my ass in ankle-deep mud. we walked in, and everyone was huddled around the kitchen table with plastic cups playing some drinking game. cans of budweiser were at every place setting. basically, there was nothing to do besides drink out of these plastic cups with the concoctions they devised, or smoke outside. since i’m not really into either of those ideas, i wasn’t sure what to do. becky said hi to me, so i sat down at the table and everyone cleared out.

caitlin announced she had to go pick up steve-o from work back right by my house (20 minutes away). she asked matty to come along, so i did too. i was too scared to stay by myself. i was afraid i’d be stuck in the middle, sitting on the couch, alone, eating the candy in the dish. or feeling really bad. or both. social anxiety, but with good reason. when i was walking out to the car, jay yelled from the porch “hey brenna are you going to get new pants”. i wanted an ak-47 right then.

and to make everything worse, laurel and the snakes company were there. stares. thing is, i was okay with laurel when she graduated last year. i didn’t really think about her or hang out with her ever, but whatever. i guess i wasn’t good enough for her, because she said all sorts of really mean things about me to my sister. why would my sister want to hear about what a “bitch” i am, and how i’m just all around mean and think i’m better than everyone? if you’ve finished high school, why would you bring up high schoolers in polite conversation? oh, but i’m not really sure she knows what that is. it has to involve excessive drinking and gossip.

so caitlin is doing very well for herself. she told us about how she had won some really prestigious awards for photography at state competition. best of show, even. she wants to go to boston art school, which would be good for her, since she moved a couple years ago from boston. it’s where she feels most comfortable, i think.

it’s like all the people i used to be decent friends with are circles. i’m a square – i just don’t fit. i was hoping kim would be there; we get along all right when we actually see each other. we like the same things, we can talk. drinking parties are circles. pot smoking is a circle. now, mind you, i do enjoy a drink every now and then, but i like it when they’re served in the appropriate glass. i don’t like drinking “gin and lemon juice” out of a plastic cup that everyone else has drank out of. call me picky, call me snooty, whatever.

when caitlin was driving, someone rear ended her car! it was like what the hell. and they sped off too! so we caught up with them and got their license plate number, in case there was damage. there wasn’t, thank goodness, but still! they ran from the scene of the accident. we flagged them off and picked up steve-o. after that, i just wanted to go home. i did not want to return to that “party”. so i had caitlin drop me off at jay’s to get my car and just go home. that’s all that i wanted to do. go home and go to bed. i didn’t want to deal with anything else.

it ended up jay and chris and adam had drank by the time matt returned, so he had to be the designated driver. that’s how it always is, though.

the railroad had some sort of construction going on it, and i live on the other side of the tracks. all the through roads were closed, so i had to turn around three times. i got lost. i finally got home 25 minutes later. it was one of the worst nights of my life, but i’m not really sure why. i did get to go to sleep right away. sleeping at ten thirty on a friday night.

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