disaster

my head is pounding and i can’t sleep. i feel dizzy and my eyes are swollen from crying. for some reason i just thought about how things used to be, in my old house on north merritt island.

i’m so angry, yet so anxious, yet so apathetic. i hate the new condo. i hate my new room. my old room was so wonderful, with the walls covered with photos of friends and bands and flyers. the new room has a few posters here and there. my old room had bright green walls and tile floors and a big window with blue curtains. my new room has ugly white with ugly white carpet and two windows with ugly vertical blinds that are broken. i was happier when i was in my old house.

i used to live a minutes walking distance from my boyfriend, now i live 20 minutes away. i miss being close with him. i miss spending long nights alone, together. i miss having the option of seeing him whenever i wanted, day or night. i miss being held. i miss how we used to walk together. i miss how i would be awakened in the night by his touch. i hate how it’s not the same anymore. i hate how i am locked in a prison tower day and night. i realize how everything is so different and unfamiliar to me now. i feel lost and the only thing that comforts me is memories of these things. but it upsets me at the same time. i feel like such a failure.

i hate my dad for letting us go bankrupt. i hate my mom for living in an awful condo instead of a real house. i hate everyone who has taken me for a fool and screwed with my feelings. i hate how everyone has abandoned me when i have needed them most this year. i hate how nobody cares. i hate that i supress my feelings inside because i have no one to talk to. i don’t and can’t trust anybody, nor will i ever. relationships have left deep scars that will take more than time to heal. nobody understands that. they think i’m overreacting or exaggerating. it’s fucking real, and it’s happened more than once over the years.

i want to scoop up all the good things that i remember about the last year in my house and keep them from everyone. they are mine, and i don’t want anyone to hurt me and take them away. i don’t want to trust anyone anymore. i can’t and won’t.

i hate my high school. i hate the stupid ass cliques and snobs and gossips. i hate how the girls are easy. i hate how the boys are disrespectful. maybe i belong in a different time. i don’t understand what i have done to deserve to see everyone’s miserable excuses for their existence. i feel sick.

i just want to run away and live away from people. i wish i could. i can’t get over things. i wish i could. i want to forget about people, but every time someone betrays me, i feel like a huge chunk of my life, my heart and feelings stays with them. they feed off it and become stronger. and me and my emotions become weaker and weaker with every thought of it. i get so angry at myself and with others and i just end up frustrated and panicked. i think i’m slipping into depression again. maybe i’m just overreacting. i don’t know.

i got out of bed to write this entry because i couldn’t rest without telling someone what’s inside my mind right now. it seems like such a waste, everything seems so childish. the only thing i wish is to be able to relive memories, in a dream. but i imagine that if i did so, i would just want to live in them forever.

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