courtly

i am totally and utterly heartbroken. i spoke to someone about my bitterness. it just made everything worse. i forced myself to remember such horrible things that have been done to me in the four years since it happened. people just do not realize the emotional and psychological damage that they do. i don’t even talk to these people anymore, or even see them. it’s been years. but i still remember the jeers and degrading comments. i still remember the way they said them. i sometimes, if not most times, believe them, too.

it’s true that dwelling on the past eats away at your wellbeing. it sure as hell does. i don’t hate anyone in particular. i don’t believe i can. i hate the feelings i get when i see a group of people. nervousness. bitterness. anxiety. i get so paranoid that i won’t have anything to say to people and they will just sit in silence. my inability to make friends without over-analyzing to see if i will get hurt in the end. will anything save my from my anxiousness?

oh, but i can write and write for hours about anything and everything. i can click the X without saving, and my secrets are gone and hidden away forever. no one to tell me i’m ugly or funny shaped. no one to lie and cheat me. and above all, no one to hurt me in any way. i have a problem, but no idea what to do about it. my inability to express myself verbally is going to hurt me someday. i can’t keep a journal and expect people to read it to see what i’m thinking. i don’t possess the ability to tell anyone anymore. it disappeared sometime between eighth and eleventh.

you don’t know how much you’ve scarred me.

i made an attempt to be happy and kind. the happy attempt went unnoticed, and the kind attempt was sort of brushed off. i am trying. and that’s what matters most at the moment.

yesterday in english we had to draw a house containing “rooms” that show our different styles of speech we use. i drew st. basil’s cathedral and scrawled my name rather largely across the top in red crayon. i told the teacher to show it to the next class. she did. that makes me feel important.

i want a big puffy blanket, a big soft couch in a green field with wildflowers, and a new hat.

Leave a Reply