blow

today was busy busy! i wore my new spidey shirt. i thought i was going to get yelled at by a dean, but it didn’t happen, due to my honed avoidance skills. heh, once only used for the annoying, now improved to the administrative level! you love it. my english teacher announced that my paper was great in every class period today. i could feel my face turning red when she mentioned it in mine. anyways, matt was sick today, so i visited after school got out. he gave me gas money.

today was the orientation at the university of central florida. i am really interested in the graphic design program there. i’m catching a stare every now and then from the application, just waiting to be filled out. awful. yes, i had to write that lame essay about “a meaningful life experience”. i wrote about my trip to france in 2000. i hope i get accepted. then i can relax for the first time in my life. everyone in orlando drives hot shot cars. my van won’t even make it to orlando.

i like that puddle of mud song. *sticks out tongue*

it seems like i am running in circles lately. i get something done, but then something else is burdened on my back. things are good, then things are stressful. i want to relax, but there’s always something to do and worry over. i wonder what it’s like to be peaceful and relaxed. does anybody know? i keep telling myself everything will be better. “it will get easier after i do this…” and then it doesn’t change. when will my parents stop lecturing about the university of florida? i don’t want to go there. there’s nothing in gainesville for me, especially college.

there isn’t much for me here actually, and i can’t think of one damn thing right now. maybe if i think more later i can think of something. i want security and a time and place to relax. i don’t feel secure ever, and i don’t have a place to relax because i share a very small bedroom. my only real, safe release is here in my journal. and i’m so tired of hearing the idiot box i could kill somebody. tv casualty.

i’m so tired of high school people. i don’t imagine college would be much better. i’m a tragic, romantic elitist in a way. is it so strange that i won’t be friends with someone that annoys the hell outta me, acts like a cutesy retard when they aren’t cute at all, or lies? people, just stop! just stop.

this is a very ugly diary entry, in fact, i wonder about publishing it at all. but this is for me, i have to remember that. i write to remember me by. i write to analyze people, my feelings and actions and try to make sense of it. but why hasn’t it made sense for a year? two? i feel miserable all the time and i don’t know how to deal with it. i escape through pretty clothing and simplicity to forget about all the ugly and complex things. i try to be a nice person, but it just doesn’t seem worth my energy at the current time. i was a nice person i think once last month. i smiled and said thank you to people. i was genuinely saying that, not just lying. i think i look silly when i smile.

someone hug me and tell me that you love me. i don’t care who it is, but anyone would be better than nobody.

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